There’s a Japanese art called kintsugi, in which broken pottery is repaired with gold. The cracks aren’t hidden; they become part of the piece’s story, making the repair visible rather than erasing what happened.
Alexander Saunders, Practice Director at Dialogos, introduced this idea when he joined us for Episode 65 of the Legacy Builders Podcast. He wasn’t talking about pottery but about what holds a family together through periods of change and difficulty. He described the concept as the “relational glue” of a family system, the often-unseen connections that help people stay engaged, communicate, and move forward together.
In many families, that glue lives quietly in one or two people: the person who keeps conversations going, notices tension before it surfaces, or helps relationships hold while everyone else focuses on the business. Because it happens naturally, it can be deceptively simple to overlook how much it strengthens the family.
What Holds a System Together
It helps to name what this glue actually is, because much of its value lies in the fact that it is rarely visible. It is the ongoing relational work that helps a family stay connected and able to talk to one another.
Someone notices what hasn’t been said and creates an opening for it. Someone sees distance growing between two family members and finds a way to close the gap. Someone knows when it’s time to bring the family together and when it’s better to give things space. Governance can provide structure, and love often sits underneath it, but the relational work itself requires attention and care.
In many families, that work rests largely with one person. It may be the founder who built the relationships around the business as intentionally as the business itself or a matriarch who was never on the organizational chart but quietly helped hold the family together for decades.
What they share is that their contribution rarely looks like work. It is simply considered who they are: He’s good with people. She’s the one everyone calls.
Alex described this dynamic in his family, where his grandfather held that role for many years, supported by regular family council meetings that gave everyone a place to bring what needed to be discussed. The meetings provided the structure, while his grandfather served as the relational centre that made it all work.
For years, the system functioned well enough that its dependence on one person was easy to overlook. That is often the challenge with relational glue: you notice how much it matters when it is no longer there.
When the Family’s Centre of Gravity Shifts
The challenge with relational glue is that its importance is often only recognized when the person carrying it can no longer do so in the same way.
Often, the transition is gradual. Someone gets older and has less capacity for the work they once handled instinctively. Family circumstances change. A tradition or regular meeting falls away because it no longer seems necessary. None of these shifts feels significant on its own, but together they can weaken the connections that once helped the family stay engaged.
The council meetings that had once given everyone a place to raise concerns and work through them eventually stopped, while the people who had naturally carried much of the relational work were no longer in a position to do so.
Only then did the family begin to see how much those relationships and routines had been doing for them. Conversations that once happened naturally became harder to have. Tensions lingered. Decisions took longer to resolve.
Occasionally, it is only when the glue begins to loosen that a family realizes how much it was holding together.
When the System Learns to Hold Itself
When a family feels the absence of its relational centre, the natural response is often to look for someone to fill that role. Who becomes the person everyone calls? Who takes on the work the grandfather once carried?
Occasionally someone does step forward, and that can help. But placing the responsibility on one person again can recreate the same fragility. A more durable approach is for the family itself to develop the capacity to hold its relationships.
The discussion is less about appointing someone to a role and more about allowing the family system to evolve. Regular gatherings, meaningful conversations, and shared practices can create space for family members to stay connected and address what matters before it becomes difficult.
This is where the kintsugi metaphor becomes particularly meaningful. A family can experience change or loss and still find its way back to wholeness. When the work of staying connected belongs to the family rather than one individual, that strength can continue across generations.
The goal isn’t to replace the person who held everyone together. It is to help the family learn to hold itself.
Concluding Thoughts
Relational work in a family enterprise never truly finishes. Relationships change, circumstances shift, and each generation brings new questions.
The goal isn’t to find the one conversation that resolves everything but to create the habits and spaces that help families stay connected over time. Regular conversations, room to raise what matters, and the willingness to address tension early can make a meaningful difference.
The challenges don’t disappear, but families can become better equipped to navigate them together. The glue holds because it continues to be tended.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
As the Senior Wealth Advisor at Beacon Family Office at CI Assante Wealth Management Ltd., Cory Gagnon has supported successful family enterprises to preserve, protect and transition their wealth since 2011.
Cory’s personal objective as a Wealth Advisor is simple. He is committed to supporting families to take control of the areas of their lives that truly matter to them. This commitment revolves around using specific tools and strategies that enable families to take action with confidence which will support them through life’s critical transitions.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
As the Senior Wealth Advisor at Beacon Family Office at CI Assante Wealth Management Ltd., Cory Gagnon has supported successful family enterprises to preserve, protect and transition their wealth since 2011.
Cory’s personal objective as a Wealth Advisor is simple. He is committed to supporting families to take control of the areas of their lives that truly matter to them. This commitment revolves around using specific tools and strategies that enable families to take action with confidence which will support them through life’s critical transitions.
